Peteena answers your questions about life, love, and personal hygiene.

Dear sir/madam

I got your contact from an email directory and decided to contact you for assistance. I am the son of Jonas Savimbi the rebel leader in Angola who was short dead on the 25th of February, 2002, by the opposing Angolan Army.


Before the death of my father he had transferred the sum of $16,000,000.00 (Sixteen million dollars) through a security company in South Africa to Europe. All the legal documents for the deposit and transfer of this fund to Europe are with my mother which my father gave to her for safe keeping. After the death of my father I and my family fled to South Africa where we are currently living. And we have been trying to fly to Europe but it has been difficult for us to get visas from Africa.

So we want you to help us make claims of this fund ($16m) in Europe as my family beneficiary and transfer the money to your account or any account of your choice before I and my family can get visas to fly down to your country so that we can share this money.

My family have agreed to give you 10%, which would be ($1.6Million dollars) of this Money for your assistance, and 87% would be for us and the other 3% would be set aside for any expenses that we may incure during the course of this transaction. And part of our share of 87% would be invested in your country in any profitable business proposed by you. While a large part of our share will also be used to help charity organizations.

We have never met, but I want to trust you and please do not let us down when this fund finally gets into your account. Please if you are interested; get to me through my email address to enable me feed you with more details and all necessary documentations.

Please treat this as confidential

Best regards.

Dear Unnamed But Apparently Desperate Reader:

Peteena is simultaneously distressed by your plight and aghast at your request. To think that Peteena even knows in which bank her millions are kept is to obviously not know her well enough to ask such a favour. But while she is unable to help you (and strongly suspects that you need assistance with much more than just your finances) Peteena is sure that there is some kindhearted soul out there just simple enough to send you their account information. Try a Golden Retriever.

Dear Peteena:
People in my school are spreading rumors about me and the boy I like.

Dear Spacheco:
Peteena empathizes with you, Spacheco, dear, because she has a somewhat unusual name as well. Peteena also knows all too well that the only pleasure in life for some is to gossip and spread rumors about those who are more beautiful, intelligent, talented, and well dressed than they are. Peteena suggests that you do what she does in similar situations: sink your sharp, perfect little teeth into their behinds and don't let go until they've taken back every last nasty thing they've said about you. Good luck!

Dear Peteena:
I cant seem to trust my boyfriend,he says he has never cheated on me and I cant believe him.I never really found any evidence that he has done anything,but I lack trust for some strange reason. He is a very private person and does'nt have many friends,I always know his whereabouts and he is usually with me.How do I learn to trust him better?

Fear of being hurt in NewJersey


Before you can learn to trust, dear, Peteena suggests you learn to punctuate. There can be no trust without proper punctuation.

Dear Peteena:

My brainless step-sister keeps sending me junk e-mail. You know, chain prayer letteres, long lists of really lame jokes, "inspirational" (read: insipid) stories that make me want to disembowel myself with a spoon just to make it stop! Yet, I don't want to block her e-mail address, because then I'd miss out on all the family gossip that she also sends, because I live far away. How can I handle this delicate issue?

Down to My Last Nerve


Delicate is, indeed, the word for this situation. On the one hand, you don't want to receive any more material that is offensive to your extremely cynical and jaded nature (Peteena understands completely). On the other hand, you don't want to miss out on the latest dirt on members of your family since you're not there to enjoy it first-hand.

Face it, DTMLN, you've got to make a choice. You either suck it up and take the bitter with the sweet, or you resign yourself to being out of the dirt loop. No, don't even try to communicate to step-sis that you're less than enamored with the sentimental swill she sends you, she won't understand. Peteena knows these types well, and routinely blocks their e-mail. Peteena suggests that, in order to save your sanity, you do the same.

Dear Peteena,
Thanks to my husband, our family is in serious financial trouble. I hope you can give us some help or advice to get us out of this situation.

When Scott was in college, he and three friends started a band. They weren't very good and they didn't play very often. The most they ever got was $100 for playing at a bar called Myron's Anaconda.

Part of their contract there was that they were obliged to play every year on April 29 for $100 if the manager wanted. He told them that he was gambling on new young bands, and that he wanted to be able to get them back if they became superstars.

Well, the band broke up in less than a year. I married Scott and we moved to Anaheim. He's a Purchasing Manager and we have two beautiful children and a lovely home.

The trouble is, three years ago we got a registered letter from Myron's Anaconda. The manager said he was going to hold Scott to his April 29 contract. Scott told him that the band wasn't together any more, but the manager said the contract was with all the members individually.

Scott can't get off work for this, and he can't afford to fly back for $100. The trouble is, there's a $10,000 penalty for every performance the band cancels. Our lawyer says the manager can sue Scott for the full amount.

We tried to negotiate with the manager, but he wouldn't help us at all. The most he did was offer to loan us the $10,000 every year at 17.5% interest.

We're desperate, Peteena. We can't afford to take the kids to the orthodontist, and we haven't had a new car in five years. Our lawyer just shrugs and tells us that's what happens when you sign anything without an attorney. I've written to Ann Landers and Dear Abby and Dr. Laura, but all I got back was a recipe for jello salad and a pamphlet about "Saying No To Teen Sex." I'm not prejudiced, but those Jews are all in it together.

Please help us, Peteena! Our life seemed so wonderful just three years ago. We know you can help us and we would appreciate any advice or money you could send us.

Yours truly,
In Trouble in Orange County


At last, an issue that Peteena can really sink her teeth into! But alas, as Peteena is neither a lawyer nor an anti-Semite (she hates all those bitches you went crawling to before you came to Peteena, but not because they're Jewish), she must graciously decline to advise you on your admittedly dire situation. Good luck!

Dear Peteena,
My roomate says i gave her fleas from my boyfriends' cat (we live in a dorm he lives in an apt). is this possible? Or could they be gnats from the recycled soda bottles that have sat in our room for months or the unwashed dishes that have been sitting on the floor for months. no one on the internet has been able to help me. canyou?
Jamie Dawson

Dear Jamie:
Peteena regrets to inform you that she cannot help you. In fact, no one can. If you wish to help yourself, try cleaning your dorm room, you nasty, filthy person, and tell you roommate to stop blaming your poor boyfriend's cat!

Having admonished Jamie, Peteena now wishes to apologize to her legions of fans on two accounts: 1) the preponderance of fleas in the lives of the pathetic and desperate people who feel compelled to seek her advice (see previous query below), and 2) the pathetic and desperate people who seek her advice.

Dear Peteena,
I have this little problem with F-L-E-A-S. I can't seem to get rid of them, and now no one wants me around. It's so embarassing! What can I do?
Signed, Flea-bitten and Frustrated

Dear F&F:
Peteena assumes you've tried all the traditional methods: flea-dip, washing all your bedding in flea-killer soap, spreading flea powder where you lie in the sun, and all that. So, Peteena's going to tell you about her secret weapon: Bryl Cream. Peteena knows its unpleasant, and you won't make much of a fashion statement, but she guarantees that after a few days under heavy pommade those fleas will desert you like cats from a sinking ship. And in the future, Peteena suggests that you be a little more selective about the company you keep.

Dear Peteena,
I'm thinking about getting a Rottweiler, but I've heard they're very vicious, violent dogs. But they're so cute! How can this be true? Please advise me.
Signed, Confused in Lincoln, Nebraska

Dear Confused:
While Peteena is always happy to help humans in need of advice, she doesn't appreciate the nasty rumors you're spreading about certain types of dogs. Leaving aside the moral issues involved in having a so-called "pet" (your own personal political prisoner is more like it) Peteena wants to assure you that Rottweilers are very kind, considerate dogs, gentle and trusting to a fault. Peteena herself has dated more than one Rottweiler, and can personally vouch for their character. They're a bit clumsy, and tend to drool a lot, but their nature couldn't be sweeter. If you're bent on having a "pet" the Rottweiler is a good choice, endlessly patient and not likely to tear your throat out in the middle of the night when the revolution finally comes..

Dear Peteena,
What do you do when the guy you're dating cheats you?
Signed, Heartbroken in Hoboken, NJ

Dear Heartbroken:
Peteena assumes from your alias that you are not asking a personal question but a general one. Nonetheless, Peteena wishes to make it known up front that if a guy cheats on her once, he never gets the chance to do it again, and she expects any self-respecting bitch to do the same. However, if you are human, Peteena recommends that you sit down and do some serious thinking. How much do you care for this man? Is your relationship otherwise rewarding and healthy? Does he spend a lot of money on you? Peteena suspects that, after lengthy and earnest contemplation, you will swallow your pride, take the slimeball back, and set the whole vicious cycle in motion again.